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01. i blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone i saved in my phone as the karate kid
02. i'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe
03. and by charming i mean he has a horse cock
04. i'm so hungover i literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed
05. text him!
one. You could kill me if you wanted? Yeah? So could another human being. So could a dog. So could a very dedicated goose. You're not special. :)
two. Does anyone know how to deal with a flea infestation? Asking for a friend.
three. What do you do if you're addicted to knots? Asking for another friend.
four. You're asking me how many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you? How should I know! You're the one holding out on me.
five. Yeah, sex is great - but have you ever stolen a wild boss from under the noses of 1000+ Glory players?
1. I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
2. By the way, you're like spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
3 At some point I said I just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for my dead sex life...
4. How did I get up here...did the moons lift me up
2. By the way, you're like spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
3 At some point I said I just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for my dead sex life...
4. How did I get up here...did the moons lift me up
Edited 2019-10-20 23:07 (UTC)
1. Are you alive? Because this is my official "I'm actually alive" text.
2. What happened last night?
3. The neighbors in the apartment above me are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes. Already sounds better than the last one.
4. Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
5. God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
2. What happened last night?
3. The neighbors in the apartment above me are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes. Already sounds better than the last one.
4. Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
5. God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
1) If I had a chroma for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money.
2) Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable Prismagram himbo dude, you win.
3) As my friend who adores me dearly I need you to answer a question. Is Chamillionaire a band, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and extremely time-sensitive.
4) 1: Be cute. 2: Flirt with everyone. 3: Use cuteness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
5) You ran up a 300 ch. bar bill on his tab and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
2) Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable Prismagram himbo dude, you win.
3) As my friend who adores me dearly I need you to answer a question. Is Chamillionaire a band, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and extremely time-sensitive.
4) 1: Be cute. 2: Flirt with everyone. 3: Use cuteness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
5) You ran up a 300 ch. bar bill on his tab and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Edited 2019-10-20 22:40 (UTC)
01. PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
02. Hey, anything can be a weapon if you put your mind to it!
03. [ A photo of a pizza. ]
You and me, let's go.
04. Let's shotgun beers for AMERICA
05. Sky's out, thighs out! ;)
06. [ Or, text her! ]
02. Hey, anything can be a weapon if you put your mind to it!
03. [ A photo of a pizza. ]
You and me, let's go.
04. Let's shotgun beers for AMERICA
05. Sky's out, thighs out! ;)
06. [ Or, text her! ]
1. Fire trucks are here agAIN. It wasn't me this TIME.
2. I don't know if I want to kiss him or punch him in the FACE.
3. Would someone like to explain why I'm missing several SHIRTS?
4. Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individUAL.
5. Thank the gods dogs can't TALK. They see way too MUCH.
2. I don't know if I want to kiss him or punch him in the FACE.
3. Would someone like to explain why I'm missing several SHIRTS?
4. Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individUAL.
5. Thank the gods dogs can't TALK. They see way too MUCH.
1: It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
2: Sorry I interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night.
3: They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
4: The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him.
2: Sorry I interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night.
3: They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
4: The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him.
- 1. what kind of dress can i wear to a party that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
2. At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
3. I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Prismagram is a call for help.
4. You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
5. and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
6. text her!
1. He gave me a beer, patted my head, and called me kiddo.
2. you asked me to be the big spoon when you passed out on the stairs.
3. do you actually like this or are you just trying to get in my pants?
4. I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
5. Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
2. you asked me to be the big spoon when you passed out on the stairs.
3. do you actually like this or are you just trying to get in my pants?
4. I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
5. Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
1. I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
2.That would warm my breasts. In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
3. There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
4.The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
5. I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
6. text her
2.That would warm my breasts. In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
3. There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
4.The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
5. I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
6. text her
Edited 2019-10-20 23:04 (UTC)
]1. oh no. not her. her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
2. the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
3. my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
4. it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
5. [or text him]
2. the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
3. my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
4. it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
5. [or text him]
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